Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone feels upset but doesn’t say it out loud. Instead, they show it in hidden ways like giving the silent treatment, using sarcasm, or “forgetting” to do something on purpose. It’s basically indirect anger—a way of avoiding open fights while still letting frustration slip out (Psychology Today).
We usually know it when we see it, but figuring out why people act this way is harder. I remember a co-worker who always delayed sending me important files. At first, I thought he was just careless. Later, I realized he was stressed and didn’t want to admit it. That experience showed me that passive aggression isn’t about being lazy—it often comes from emotions people don’t feel safe sharing.
The reasons behind this behavior can be surprising. Some people fear arguments, some struggle with low confidence, and others learn it from family while growing up. In this article, we’ll look at why passive-aggressive behavior happens, how it affects relationships, and what we can do about it.
1. What Is Passive-Aggressive Behavior?
Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone feels upset but does not say it directly. Instead, they show it in hidden ways. This could be ignoring a message, giving short answers, or pretending to agree while secretly refusing. It is a form of indirect communication where the real feelings are kept inside but still come out through actions (WebMD).
You may see this in many parts of life. At work, a co-worker might “forget” to finish a job on time. In relationships, a partner might say “I’m fine” but then stay silent or act cold for hours. Among friends, it can look like sarcasm or a joke that feels more like an insult. These are everyday passive-aggressive examples that show hidden anger without an open fight.
It also helps to know the difference between being assertive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive. Assertive people share their needs clearly and calmly. Aggressive people push too hard and may hurt others with their words or actions. Passive-aggressive people avoid direct fights but still let their anger show in quiet ways. I once worked with a teammate who agreed to help but always delayed his tasks. He never said “no,” but his actions showed his resistance, and it caused stress for the whole group.
2. Why Do People Act Passive-Aggressive?
People act passive-aggressive for many reasons. Most of the time, it is not about being rude on purpose. It comes from fear, stress, or old habits. Below are some of the most common causes that explain why this behavior happens.
2.1 Fear of Confrontation
Some people avoid conflict because they worry it will hurt their relationships or lead to a fight. Instead of saying what bothers them, they keep quiet and show anger in small ways. This is called conflict avoidance. For example, someone may agree to plans but later cancel at the last minute instead of saying no from the start.
I used to struggle with this myself. In college, I didn’t like telling a friend when I disagreed with her. Instead, I would go along with her ideas but then feel annoyed later. Looking back, it was easier for me to hide my feelings than risk an argument.
2.2 Difficulty Expressing Emotions
Not everyone knows how to share their emotions in a healthy way. Some people grow up without learning strong communication skills. They may feel upset but don’t have the words to say it. This leads to emotional suppression, where feelings stay inside until they show up in passive-aggressive behavior.
A common example is when someone says, “It’s fine,” but their tone and body language say otherwise. They want you to notice their feelings, but they can’t or won’t say it directly.
2.3 Underlying Anger, Stress, or Insecurity
Passive aggression often hides repressed anger or insecurity. When people feel powerless, sad, or unsure about themselves, their emotions may come out in subtle ways. Instead of yelling or confronting, they might make sarcastic jokes, procrastinate, or avoid eye contact.
I once worked with a manager who rarely showed his frustration openly. Instead, he used sarcasm in team meetings. At first, we laughed, but later it became clear that his “jokes” were really a sign of hidden stress.
2.4 Need for Control or Power
Sometimes, passive aggression is a way to regain control in relationships. If someone feels powerless, they may use silence, resistance, or backhanded comments as a form of quiet protest. These manipulation tactics give them a sense of control without direct confrontation.
For example, a partner might agree to help with chores but then “forget” every time. It becomes a silent way to show power or resist being told what to do.
2.5 Low Self-Esteem & Self-Worth
People with low confidence may find it hard to ask for what they want. Instead of speaking up, they use passive-aggressive behavior to get their needs met. This can include guilt-tripping, sulking, or refusing to engage.
I’ve seen this with a close friend who never asked for help directly. Instead, she would sigh loudly or make comments like, “I guess no one cares that I’m stressed.” It was her way of reaching out, but it came from self-doubt and fear of rejection.
2.6 Stress & Situational Triggers
High stress makes passive aggression more likely. Work stress, family problems, or money issues can all build pressure. When people feel stuck or overwhelmed, they may act out in quiet ways.
Think about someone at a job they dislike. Instead of saying they’re unhappy, they may procrastinate, “forget” deadlines, or complain indirectly. The behavior is a coping mechanism, not always a conscious choice.
2.7 Learned Behavior from Childhood
Many people learn passive-aggressive habits when they are young. In families where open anger is punished or discouraged, kids grow up learning to hide their emotions. Over time, this becomes a pattern of learned passive aggression.
For example, if a child was told, “Don’t talk back” every time they tried to express frustration, they may stop speaking up. As adults, they still avoid open conflict, but their anger comes out in indirect ways. This shows how family dynamics and upbringing can shape how we deal with emotions later in life (Simply Psychology).
3. Psychological & Mental Health Links
Passive-aggressive behavior is often more than just an annoying habit—it can be linked to deeper mental health issues. Research from sources like WebMD shows that people with depression or anxiety sometimes act passive-aggressive because they find it hard to share feelings directly. Instead of saying “I’m upset,” they may use sarcasm or avoid the conversation, which hides their true emotions.
This behavior can also show up in people with ADHD or certain personality disorders. For example, someone with ADHD may feel frustrated when tasks feel overwhelming, and that stress can come out as passive-aggressive remarks. In some cases, hidden anger becomes a coping tool when people don’t know how to manage emotions in a healthy way.
From my own experience working with teams, I noticed that when stress and mental health struggles go unspoken, passive-aggression tends to rise. A coworker once stayed silent about their workload but would miss deadlines on purpose—it was their way of expressing pressure without admitting it. That showed me how passive-aggressive behavior can be a sign that someone is silently asking for help.
4. Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior
One of the most common signs of passive-aggressive behavior is the silent treatment. Instead of talking about what is wrong, the person may ignore you or give very short answers. I’ve seen this happen at work, where a teammate stayed quiet instead of sharing their concerns, which made the whole project harder. This kind of ignoring behavior can feel confusing and even hurtful.
Another sign is procrastination—delaying tasks on purpose to show anger without saying it. For example, someone might put off doing chores or finish work late, not because they forgot, but because they are upset. I’ve noticed this with a friend who always “ran out of time” whenever he disagreed with plans. It’s a subtle way of showing frustration without speaking up.
Sarcasm and backhanded compliments are also strong examples of passive-aggressive signs. Comments like, “Nice job… for once,” may sound like jokes but often hide hostility. In my own experience, these sarcastic comments left me second-guessing if the person was joking or actually upset. Spotting these patterns in daily life helps you respond calmly instead of getting trapped in the tension.
5. Effects of Passive Aggression on Relationships
Passive-aggressive behavior can hurt relationships because it blocks healthy communication. Instead of saying how they feel, a person may avoid the issue, give the silent treatment, or use sarcasm. Over time, this creates confusion and mistrust. I’ve seen this happen with friends—simple problems grew bigger because no one talked about them openly.
In close relationships, passive aggression often leads to emotional distance. One person feels ignored or dismissed, while the other thinks they have avoided conflict. This pattern builds resentment and makes it hard to feel connected. Experts from the American Psychological Association explain that avoiding clear communication often damages trust in both personal and family bonds.
At work, passive aggression can show up as procrastination, withholding effort, or making subtle comments. This can create workplace issues because tasks get delayed and teamwork breaks down. I once worked on a project where a teammate used sarcasm instead of addressing problems, and it slowed everyone down. Over time, this type of toxic communication can affect performance and morale.
6. How to Deal With Passive-Aggressive People
When someone acts passive-aggressive, the first step is to stay calm. If you react with anger, it often makes things worse. I’ve learned that taking a deep breath and keeping my voice steady can stop the situation from turning into a fight. Calm energy shows the other person that you are not going to play into the tension.
Another way to handle this behavior is to encourage clear and direct communication. For example, instead of guessing what the other person feels, ask open questions like, “Can you tell me what’s bothering you?” I’ve used this approach in both friendships and at work, and it often helps bring hidden feelings into the open. This kind of honest talk reduces confusion and builds trust.
It’s also important to set healthy boundaries. If someone continues to use toxic communication, let them know what behavior is not okay. In one workplace situation, I explained that I was willing to listen but would not accept sarcastic or dismissive remarks. Boundaries protect your mental health and show others how you expect to be treated.
7. How to Stop Being Passive-Aggressive Yourself
The first step is self-awareness. Notice when you are holding back your feelings or using sarcasm instead of saying what you mean. I once caught myself saying “it’s fine” when it really wasn’t. Writing my thoughts in a journal helped me see the pattern. When you can spot these habits, it becomes easier to change them.
Next, work on assertiveness skills. Being assertive means speaking up in a clear but respectful way. For example, instead of saying, “Whatever, do what you want,” try, “I feel upset when plans change at the last minute. Can we talk about it?” I had to practice this with friends, and at first, it felt uncomfortable. But over time, it built stronger communication and respect.
Sometimes, passive-aggressive behavior comes from stress or anger that is not managed well. Simple steps like deep breathing, taking a walk, or even short breaks during the day can help. For deeper issues, therapy can be useful because it gives you tools to manage emotions in a safe space. I found that talking with a professional gave me strategies I could not figure out on my own.
FAQs Frequently Asked Questions)
1. What is passive aggression?
Passive aggression is when someone hides their anger instead of saying it directly. For example, they may give short replies, show sarcasm, or avoid talking about the real issue. It’s a way of expressing upset feelings without open conflict.
2. Why do people act passive-aggressive?
People often act passive-aggressive because they are afraid of arguments, feel insecure, or don’t know how to speak up. Many learn this behavior when growing up if open communication wasn’t safe. It becomes a habit, but it can be changed with practice.
3. How can I deal with passive aggression in a healthy way?
The best way is to stay calm and encourage open talk. Ask the person how they feel, listen carefully, and share your feelings without blame. If both people try to be honest, it can build trust and stop the cycle of hidden anger.
Conclusion
Passive aggression often comes from fear, insecurity, or habits we learned when we were younger. I noticed in my own life that when I stayed quiet or used sarcasm, it was usually because I was afraid of conflict. Many people do the same without even knowing it, and it can slowly hurt trust in friendships or relationships. The first step is to see these patterns and understand why they happen.
This takes practice, but it gets easier with time. You can start by being honest in small situations, writing down your feelings, or telling yourself that your emotions matter. Each step helps you break toxic cycles and grow emotionally. The result is worth it—better relationships, more peace, and the freedom to express yourself without fear.